Defeated and humiliated
No tears left to cry
You caught me, I’m busted
No, I can’t tell you why
I craved to feel closeness
But didn’t seek it from you
You won’t ask, I won’t tell
I sought solace from whom?
I love you, I want you
I didn’t know it until now
I took a heart shattered
To want to honour my vow
I think I am ready
I am seeking some help
Soon I will hold you
After licking the welts
So for the past two months or so I have unintentionally [maybe intentionally subconsciously] involved myself in a one-sided emotional affair. I say one-sided because my mind and heart is much more invested in this “relationship” than the other person. Though there is no physical relationship, mentally and emotionally I am getting in deep.
This person is an ex of mine. We haven’t actually seen each other in 12 to 13 years. It started off as a wave over Facebook and has escalated into almost daily communications. As a reader of my past post you may know my marriage has been slipping. I have been using this person as an escape, a distraction, and confidante regarding my current pain and struggles.
At first it was fun and exciting but now the guilt and frustration are building up. I think initially I wanted this relationship to grow in order to help me transition out of my marriage which leads to two problems:
- I don’t believe that this person has any interest in establishing anything more that what we have now; and,
- I don’t think I want to end my marriage.
I have been reading a lot about these emotional affairs and how to break them and my own habits and something very interesting came up which really resonated with me. An emotional affair is based on feelings and fantasy and lacks the components that make up true love. With this person I feel good about myself. Some validation that I am still desirable to other people. This need for such validation is stemming from my complete lack in self-esteem. Now don’t get me wrong, my husband tells me I am beautiful every day but, I feel as though he is contracted to say it and the words just don’t have the same meaning as they do coming from someone else. As you see, this isn’t the person I am attracted to but the way the relationship makes me feel about myself. If it wasn’t for him I would have likely just searched it out somewhere else and felt the same.
This is only one of the many points I read in this article which make my emotional affair seem like such a waste of time. But alas I am stuck. I want to end it immediately but at the same time, I don’t want to loose this feeling. How do I get this same gratification out of my marriage. How do I change my thinking to believe that everything my husband says to me is from his heart and not out of obligation or fear of failure?
One thing is for sure, I need to walk away from this person. I need to acknowledge and accept that this relationship is nothing more than a fantasy created by my own mind to mask what is really going on in my life. I am ashamed to say at this point that I think that if I truly felt that this was more than what it is this choice may have been more difficult and I may have grasped a little harder on building this relationship.
It is time to use everything in my being and willpower to move this energy I have been wasting away into my marriage and give it one last try to fix everything that is broken.
I am loosing my grip and falling behind
Tears dried from the sadness and none left for joy
I can’t bare to wake up and do it again
Lost in my own head and just want to give in
Emptiness fills me and then swallows me whole
My heart it is cracking and blackening my soul
A forlorn feelings dangles over my head as I try to put my life in perspective. I thought I knew but I never really did. When everything comes barrelling to halt and the word hangs in the air like a dirty smog suffocating me, “divorce”.
I can’t believe he said it. I can’t believe how it made me feel. My heart sunk to my stomach. I think I am going to vomit.
I have been thinking separation for a while. But divorce? It just sounds so final. It is terrifying actually. A break maybe, try to find myself. See if I miss him, if I miss us. But I am not ready to just throw in the towel. A decade of my life I have put into this relationship and yes I may be having concerns at this point, but my mind is not made up.
All or nothing are my options. I feel I am being cheated. An ultimatum at this point is unfair. I guess I must dig deep into my subconscious and make a choice and take a step. Love it or leave it is what they say right.
I close my eyes and listen intently to the voices in my head. Waiting for some sort of sign or signal to help push me in the direction I should be going. I feel like I have been there and done that but yet I want more. Nothing ever seems to be enough.
Once upon a time, seemingly so long ago, I knew what I wanted out of life. I knew where I wanted to go and now…I have lost my calling. I had big dreams and so much ambition. I foolishly put it on the backburner thinking love was the way to go.
Now I sit here with the love and nothing more. No dreams left to get lost in. No ambition to lead the way.
I am a free spirit but cannot spread my wings. I wake, I feed, I work, I sleep. No time or energy to push things further.
So I wait. I wait for someone or something to take my hand and pull me from this nothingness I feel inside. Out of the muck and into the world so once again I can feel my calling.
Lost between here and there
Looking for someone who might care
Empty soul filled with dread
I can’t get torment from my head
I know you’re there
I hear your voice
I feel your touch
I have no choice
I want to run and just break free
The scars of my past burrow deep
I know you love me through and through
I cannot say I feel that too
I cry at night
I cry alone
I cry inside
This is not my life, it is not my home
It feels so impossible to put into words what I am feeling right now. I am going to try to write this entry in hopes that I can find the words so I may understand it better.
My marriage is in trouble. I don’t know if I want to fix it. My husband is trying. He is really, really trying. He is an amazing man. He works very hard. He loves and cares for the children. He helps with everything around the house, cooking, cleaning, etc. He loves me unconditionally. We don’t fight. Ever. Most of the time we have nothing to fight about and when we do, he won’t raise his voice. Sometimes is feels good to yell but I can’t.
My marriage is one that others aspire to. Love at first sight, a stable home, beautiful children, and kindness.
I am bored. Everything in my life revolves around the home and the children. Most of the time we are like two people in a home who co-parent our children. The chemistry is gone. We don’t date night because on those very rare occasions we don’t have the children we are too tired to do anything. We lack passion.
I am sure with a little more effort on my part we could get through this. I don’t know if I want to. I lack excitement in my life. Being spontaneous and crazy once in a while. I feel so isolated from the rest of the world. There is so much going on outside these walls and I can’t chase it for if I do, I will be abandoning my family. They would be hurt but I would be free. I am never selfish, I want to be selfish.
I want passion.
I want a first kiss.
I want to travel.
I want to not owe anyone any thing including my time.
I don’t want obligations or responsibility other than to myself.
I chose to leave all these things behind when I started a family. I am regretting it now. I just want to smash through the glass of the expectations which encase me. Even the slices from the shards of glass would be a welcome change.
Alas, I retreat back into my life of predictability. I push these feelings deep down to the depth of my soul. I keep moving forward because the life I have is the one most people try their whole life to get. Who am I to want more when I have it all?