It feels so impossible to put into words what I am feeling right now. I am going to try to write this entry in hopes that I can find the words so I may understand it better.
My marriage is in trouble. I don’t know if I want to fix it. My husband is trying. He is really, really trying. He is an amazing man. He works very hard. He loves and cares for the children. He helps with everything around the house, cooking, cleaning, etc. He loves me unconditionally. We don’t fight. Ever. Most of the time we have nothing to fight about and when we do, he won’t raise his voice. Sometimes is feels good to yell but I can’t.
My marriage is one that others aspire to. Love at first sight, a stable home, beautiful children, and kindness.
I am bored. Everything in my life revolves around the home and the children. Most of the time we are like two people in a home who co-parent our children. The chemistry is gone. We don’t date night because on those very rare occasions we don’t have the children we are too tired to do anything. We lack passion.
I am sure with a little more effort on my part we could get through this. I don’t know if I want to. I lack excitement in my life. Being spontaneous and crazy once in a while. I feel so isolated from the rest of the world. There is so much going on outside these walls and I can’t chase it for if I do, I will be abandoning my family. They would be hurt but I would be free. I am never selfish, I want to be selfish.
I want passion.
I want a first kiss.
I want to travel.
I want to not owe anyone any thing including my time.
I don’t want obligations or responsibility other than to myself.
I chose to leave all these things behind when I started a family. I am regretting it now. I just want to smash through the glass of the expectations which encase me. Even the slices from the shards of glass would be a welcome change.
Alas, I retreat back into my life of predictability. I push these feelings deep down to the depth of my soul. I keep moving forward because the life I have is the one most people try their whole life to get. Who am I to want more when I have it all?