So for the past two months or so I have unintentionally [maybe intentionally subconsciously] involved myself in a one-sided emotional affair. I say one-sided because my mind and heart is much more invested in this “relationship” than the other person. Though there is no physical relationship, mentally and emotionally I am getting in deep.
This person is an ex of mine. We haven’t actually seen each other in 12 to 13 years. It started off as a wave over Facebook and has escalated into almost daily communications. As a reader of my past post you may know my marriage has been slipping. I have been using this person as an escape, a distraction, and confidante regarding my current pain and struggles.
At first it was fun and exciting but now the guilt and frustration are building up. I think initially I wanted this relationship to grow in order to help me transition out of my marriage which leads to two problems:
- I don’t believe that this person has any interest in establishing anything more that what we have now; and,
- I don’t think I want to end my marriage.
I have been reading a lot about these emotional affairs and how to break them and my own habits and something very interesting came up which really resonated with me. An emotional affair is based on feelings and fantasy and lacks the components that make up true love. With this person I feel good about myself. Some validation that I am still desirable to other people. This need for such validation is stemming from my complete lack in self-esteem. Now don’t get me wrong, my husband tells me I am beautiful every day but, I feel as though he is contracted to say it and the words just don’t have the same meaning as they do coming from someone else. As you see, this isn’t the person I am attracted to but the way the relationship makes me feel about myself. If it wasn’t for him I would have likely just searched it out somewhere else and felt the same.
This is only one of the many points I read in this article which make my emotional affair seem like such a waste of time. But alas I am stuck. I want to end it immediately but at the same time, I don’t want to loose this feeling. How do I get this same gratification out of my marriage. How do I change my thinking to believe that everything my husband says to me is from his heart and not out of obligation or fear of failure?
One thing is for sure, I need to walk away from this person. I need to acknowledge and accept that this relationship is nothing more than a fantasy created by my own mind to mask what is really going on in my life. I am ashamed to say at this point that I think that if I truly felt that this was more than what it is this choice may have been more difficult and I may have grasped a little harder on building this relationship.
It is time to use everything in my being and willpower to move this energy I have been wasting away into my marriage and give it one last try to fix everything that is broken.